Nerves.

I've lived in the US my whole life, so why am I so nervous to be going back? I can't wait to see everyone at home and eat some delicious (aka fatty) food, but I just have this sickening feeling that it isn't going to feel like home. Many different people have told me that it is a bit of a shock re-adjusting to American culture/life and that as hard as the people at home will try, they just won't understand how I'll be feeling, unless they've experienced it themselves. Thankfully, I do have a lot of friends that have studied abroad and who will hopefully be willing to help me through the change.

I am really excited to see my Mama in less than 2 weeks and my Dad will be joining us in Florence, as you know. I'm really looking forward to seeing them and to traveling to a new place. I must admit though, I'm scared for when the trip ends and me and Mama will go back to Toulouse and pack up the apartment and head home. As much as I want to be home to see everyone, I also feel like there's a lead weight in my stomach telling me that I'm not ready to go yet. I feel like I'm not done here, like I haven't accomplished nearly enough to be leaving.

I can't even fathom how I'm going to say goodbye to everyone I've met here. These people understand me in a way that hardly anyone else has ever been able to... and they still want to spend time with me despite it!

I don't even know how to explain why I feel so connected to France. Maybe it's just that it's my first time spending a big chunk of my life away from the US. Maybe I really am just scared of the readjustment. I have changed so much since I've been here and I'm so scared that I'm going to go home and just feel completely lost in my old life.

I feel so selfish writing all of this because I know people at home will be reading it. I do miss you all. I can't wait to see you. I am just scared out of my mind and I don't really know why.

I'm honestly hoping in the back of my mind that I can't find a job this summer so that I can look for ways to come back. And I haven't even left yet.

It just feels like I am going to the US for the summer and should be coming back home to Toulouse afterwards. I know that's not the case and I know it's stupid to even think. Just each day that comes closer to me going home, I was expecting to get more excited, but I'm just feeling farther away.