Late night (early morning?) thoughts.

I have managed to completely disrupt my sleep cycle over the course of the last few couple weeks, sleeping all day and staying up all night. Sounds like the life of a rock star, but in reality, I've just been a lazy bum. So, here I am at 4:50 AM when I need to be at work in 3 hours. And I'm updating my blog. Sigh.

Not to fear! I'm hoping that by staying up all night tonight and forcing myself to stay awake the entire day tomorrow, my body will be begging for sleep nice and early tomorrow, effectively un-disrupting this vicious cycle. I hope.

But, as I've been trying to sleep for quite some time now, here are some of the thoughts that have floated around in my brain regarding my time here in Toulouse. Some are the product of memories made and lessons learned during my time here. Some are realizations and ideas I've come to terms with by observing (and interpreting to my own needs) the actions of others. Maybe others are just from growing up. a little.

• You can't plan for everything. Things will change unexpectedly. People (including yourself) are capable of doing things you'd never expect- both good and bad.  Things happen at the last minute and you'll have to adapt. And that is okay. As crazy and frustrating and annoying as it can be, you will get through it. It's also what makes things spontaneous and thrilling and how adventures happen! As much as I have wanted to sometimes, you can't curl up in bed and hide from change. You've just got to learn from it and move on from there.

• You need to do what is best for you. I am so young and I still have so much to learn about myself and about the world around me. How can I grow to become the person I want to be if I'm constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks? I'm not saying that you shouldn't consider other people. I can't count how many times I've called my parents asking them what I should do about this or that since I've been in France. I've got people I love at home that are effected (affected?) by my decisions as well. But, at the end of the day, if there's something that I think is right for me than I need to pursue it. People's feelings might get hurt. You might lose friends, but the ones who matter will be there supporting you along the way. Your family, as important as they are, will not always agree with you, but at some point you need to take a stand and do what you think is best for you. They'll still be there- I promise. And you are definitely going to make mistakes, but who cares?? There is no learning without mistakes! And when people come along in life and you decide that their opinion is just as important as your own hold on to them! That's one of the biggest decisions you can make for yourself- including others in your efforts to make a better you. Because sometimes when you find that person, they'll help you achieve it without you even knowing. 

• On top of doing what is best for you- don't be afraid to let the real you show! I have spent so much of my life analyzing my every action, my every word- wondering how I came across to others. Am I talking too much? Am I wearing the right thing? Is my opinion going to insult anyone? Am I getting along? It's exhausting! One of the goals I had in place before coming to Toulouse was just to act how I wanted and try not to worry so much about what others thought about it. And it was much easier than I thought it would be! It helped that I didn't know anyone here, so they didn't have any expectations for me. There wasn't a way they thought a "normal" Tori would act. So I go to just act... however I wanted. I'm not saying that I'm never concerned, that's a part of just being polite and having decent social skills, but it no longer consumes me and it is so freeing. I highly recommend it.

• Doing nice things for others with having no expectation of anyone acknowledging it feels really really good. And when someone does acknowledge it- boom. Explosions of happiness. It can be little things- washing someone's dishes, giving a stranger the 20 cents they need to buy a metro ticket, picking up a piece of trash, standing up so the woman with 4 kids can have your seat on the metro, or offering to take the picture so that your friend can be in it. They're all so silly and seemingly minuscule, but if you make it a habit of doing them, I find you'll smile a bit more often. 

I know I'm young and I have got a lot to learn about soooo many things, but this trip has taught me a lot about myself. Feel free to disagree with anything/everything that I've said (because that's a part of being true to yourself and having the right to your own opinion!) What a great thing that is! It's just funny to me that these are the thoughts that come to my head when I should be sleeping. Yet, while I'm awake all I can think about is how much I miss greasy pizza.... which is a lot.